Wednesday, December 26, 2007

christmas has come and gone. to be honest, i didn't feel it very much. to be honest, it may be the saddest, dullest christmas i've had since... well, since the christmas we had at to spend at the hospital when my dad was confined.

christmases at home have been going downhill, or so i feel. no more dressing up or mountains of presents or even the yearly family picture. and frankly, it's not about those things, or the lack thereof, at all.

there was no spirit this year, no holiday warmth sung of in carols. people just wanted to sleep or watch dvds or chat with their little friends over ym. after noche buena, they nearly forgot about opening the few presents, more concerned about retreating from the heat by withdrawing to the air-conditioned tv room. they refused to sit for pictures in ratty house clothes and refused to get dressed up for pictures.

i'm not angry about this. not at all.

on christmas morning, i dreamt i was offered a way out. it shouldn't have been put that way, but that was how he explained it. and of course, i really do want this, he added. i've wanted it too, for so long now. it's not the first dream i've had of it. i woke up with a start.

at the party with my paternal relatives, i sat by myself and yawned. there had never been much of anything there, after all. just people pretending to be closer than they actually are, in the name of family. for the sake of the christmas and all its feel-good, feel-warm trimmings.

it's not that i don't like christmas. besides those irritating carols and been-round-the-world fruitcake, what's not to like? something about christmas has always made me feel a little empty. they say suicide rates are highest around this time of the year. i think i understand them somewhat.

i had been thinking: will this feeling go away when--? it's a rather unfair expectation, i realize. for me and for him. there is only now. i love the way it was described here:

And then I said, it's not that it's wrong to want such a goal, it's just that what would happen once you reached it? What if we were in that house one day, with the kids and the dog and the multiple cars in the garage? Don't you think that once we were there, we would look back on the days when we were young and poor and could only afford tiny apartments in the city, and we would try to budget out how many restaurants we could go to every month, and then argue about which ones to go to, and how we'd stay up really late watching TV even though we knew we'd pay for it the next morning, or how I really hated the hills around your place, but grew to begrudgingly accept them because they gave me a really good workout, especially when I could only find a parking spot at the very top of the hill, or how you had your totally rockin' band and I would go to your gigs and then try to think up lame names for your next songs, or how we would stand on your balcony after dinner, drinking wine and looking at the sunset over the bay?

But all this is now, I said, this is us, and I can't think of anything better than knowing how wonderful your life is at this moment, there's no need to wait for the future to arrive, and how horrible is it when you can't take a moment to realize and appreciate that?

sometimes we forget. and i realize that when i find myself weeping in bed at night, it is not because i realize how fortunate i truly am.

i weep for not having appreciated it better.

well, now. the sun will rise soon. in the meantime, i shall attend to lord dream.

isea @ 1:26 AM